Hey! I'd love to help but infortunatly, if I'm kinda Okay with writing, I suck pretty much at english, I'm not good artist and I just begin with construct2. :p
Altrough, since I'm there, I'd like to point out you have some game design issues with your games (do you have a dedicated member of the group for game design? You didn't talk about game designer in your presentation.), specially the first one, with the school, work sleep thing. I dont know really where I can comment on it, so I'll just leave it there, it's just advices so you might making it better:
First, you have a feedback problem. It took me long to realize clicking on sleep and work where doing something to me (adding money and health), and even more long to realize studing could make my grade better (since you actually have to study for a long time for anything to happen). there should be a visual and audio effect when you have your cursor on the buttons and when you click (like in the first menu) and something that indicate you what it does (it can be an arrow the first time you click for exemple). For school, the first click could make you pass from "grade:none" to "grade:F", and there could be a progress bar to know if you're progressing.
Oh and the health, when you have no health left, there's nothing to say it to you except "0/100", and you have to guess that it stop you from working, that's bad. there should be a visual feedback (the screen turning a bit red for exemple), and something that tells you what it does (for exemple, it could cross the money and the grade when you try to study or work.)
Also you don't have a meaningful gameplay right now. the only rule you have is that when you dont have health, you cant work or study; and when you study, you work better.
So actually, not having health means nothing but needing to click on 'sleep'. While in every other game it makes you die! (which btw make me thing you could rename it "energy" cause it'd be more appropriate.) I dont feel like there would be any consequences if I work too hard for exemple. My health will be equal to 0 but that's all.
You could add something that makes you lose lvls when the player is out of energy for exemple.
Also you could add more things than sleeping. Like, eating, drinking, or I dunno. (And it'd be interesting cause you can eat at work so you dont have to go home, but it makes you gain less energy, and you have to buy the food first.)
Anyway: the game needs to be more alive, more interactive.
Thirdly, You should have more events like the cat asking if the player wanna cheat, that's make the thing alive! (and the same event shouldn't happen twice or it should happen lot of time with a random issue (it'd make you earn 5lvl or lose 5lvl, I dont know if it's the case right now with your game)
(Oh! And, more difficult to fix problem that is not a game design one: don't you have a composer either in your group? No music at all? ='( )
Anyway, maybe it's an old project and you dont want to even touch it again, but it can gives you ideas for your visual novel anyway.
If you need advices like these for your game I'd be happy to help btw.
Have a nice day :')