Patriick TELLES0808 AnD4D OrangeTapioca Rory Okay, so I made a second video, it goes more in-depth about the gameplay and stuff, Haven't added it to the campaign, but I wanted to see what you guys think. youtube.com/watch
Well I'll have to give you kudos for trying again, and honestly. Now I know more about the game so thank you, but I think you would need to have another attempt but I'm going to try and offer some pointers and not just be an ass and not give reason for saying that.
I do love the idea behind the game too by the way, it sounds interesting andd quite fun...
I saw someone else mention tha tit didn't look like you cared too much, this is the impression you kind of give at times on the video from looking away from the camer and such but (I guess it could also be nerves of recording?) It appears as if you're not paying too much attention, that can be fixed easily enough though!
Instead of holding the camera up and moving around so much I suggest maybe setting it down on something sturdy and if you want to move around and wave your arms and such as some people tend to do when explaining things then it shouldn't be as distracting/disruptive.
With all of that said I pretty much agree with Dave Hailwood, he hit the nail on the head with his response and has said some of which I would have liked to have gotten out but perhaps in better words.
I don't think the new video is playing to any of your projects strengths, or likely to win over investors. The main reason for this is that for the most part it's treating the viewers to an up the nose Worms Eye View of your face, and the constant movement of the chair makes everything a bit wobbly. I'm afraid I gave up watching after the first two minutes.
Now, to play to your strengths - you have a voice over guy, so use him to do all the talking. Put that over any in game footage, or stills you may have, giving descriptions of game play elements that might set your game aside from the hundreds of other kick starters out there. Try to resist saying things like 'its going to be cool' or 'hey, this is really awesome' and show the viewers what's awesome about it.
One of the biggest strengths you have at the moment is you respond well to others criticism. If you keep up with that sort of attitude, I'm sure that in time you'll go on to do well. Although I doubt this Kickstarter will succeed as you're asking for a lot of money and not yet giving people enough incentive to invest, I'm sure that you'll learn a lot from the process and hit back stronger and harder the next time.
Whatever happens, finish that game (I'm sure you can make it without financial investment. That's what being a hobbyist game maker is all about!) and keep on listening to the advice of the good folk on this site. They've helped me out a lot - half of the time without even realising it.
I would love to see this project finished, I honestly don't think the project would die without getting funded but I know for sure it would make things easier! At least with Kickstarter, if you fail. You can always start another and try again at a later point to help out.
I am surprised as how well you've taken the feedback/criticism so far, at least you're trying. Some people would just get annoyed and give up or get knocked back and the attitude you show for getting right back and trying again is good in my eyes... You will surely succeed if you keep at that as Dave has said.
The best advice here has to be to get your voice actor to help with the talking and such... Hopefully he is available?
I hope some of what I have said helps and that things go well, I will keep my eyes on Bevar, I like the sound of it so far.