Jokes thread

What

Only Australian's will find that funny... the rest of you will never understand.

~Sol

Tell me!

Aboriginals, typically, in most places.... beg a lot.

"Got a dolla mate?"

The goverment decided a few years back, that GST (goods and services tax) was a great idea! Let's slap 10% tax on EVERYTHING!

"Got a dolla ten mate?"

~Sol

Ah, but I meant Aeal's one.

Oh right... >.>

~Sol

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around.

http://cgi.4chan.org/f/src/giga%20pudding.swf

brunette: my boyfriend got dandruff so i gave him head and shoulders.

blond: *confused look*, how do you give shoulders?

A man finds his wife packing her suitcases and preparing to go.

"Honey, where are you going??"

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I hear the men there pay $500 for what I do for you for free."

Sometime later, she finds her husband, suitcases in hand and all ready to leave.

"And where are YOU going?"

"I'm coming with you. I want to see you live on $1000 a year."

An old man hires a prostitute and takes her to his hotel room. She jumps on the bed and he takes off his clothes and walks towards the bed. She says not so fast old man, go put on a condom. So the old man goes into the bathroom and a bit later comes out with a condom on and is stuffing cotton balls into his nose and ears. She asks him why he was doing that and he replied, there are two things I can't stand, the sound of women screaming and the smell of burning rubber.

A penguin drives to a walrus mechanic, because he is experiencing car trouble.

while the car is in the shop, he takes a walk to a nearby ice cream shop. he orders vanilla.

since he is a penguin, and has stiff wings, instead of arms and hands, he makes a mess and gets ice cream all over his face.

he get's back to the shop to pick up his car,

and the walrus has just completed the diagnosis.

he says to the penguin, "it looks like you blew a seal"

and the penguin says, "oh, no, that's just ice cream."

Man goes to doctor. Says he is sad. Doctor says "thats easy go see the great clown poliocchie, he will make you feel better."

Man breaks down crying.

Doctor Asks whats wrong?

man says "but doctor I am the great poliocchie"

lol

Hahaha I had to watch that a couple of times to realise what exactly happened. xD

Anyway...

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

~Sol