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Jokes thread

  • Everyone needs a laugh a day, it's healthy. Also, this may be the longest thread ever, so go go.

    John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was hitchhiking on a dark night and in the middle of a storm. John could hardly see a few feet ahead of him, but he saw the headlights of an approaching car, travelling slowly towards him. When it stopped he was so desperate for shelter, he jumped into the car and closed the door. He turned to speak to the driver, but there was no-one in the car, and the engine wasn't even on.

    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Too scared even to jump out of the car, he started to pray. Then just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John was paralysed with terror, and watched as the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. Eventually he saw the lights of a pub and gathering his strength he jumped out of the car and ran inside.

    Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila, and then started to tell everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through. The bar became silent as they listened to his story. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked in, also wet and very out of breath. Looking around, they saw John at the bar, and one said to the other, "Look Bruce - there's that fucking idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."

  • A mum and dad decide to make up some code word for talking about sex in front of thier 5 year old daughter. They come up with the word "typewriter" so the child will not understand what they are talking about.

    One day, the father asks his daughter to "Go and ask your mother, if I can type a letter." She comes back and says "Mum said you can't, the typewriter is broken, it has a headache."

    A few hours later the daughter tells her father "Mum just said that the typewriter is all fixed now."

    The father replies "Tell your mother it's too late, I've already written the letter by hand."

    ~Sol

  • Want to hear a good joke?

    Me too!

  • What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  • Women's rights.

  • How do you know if your wife is dead??

    Sex is still exactly the same, but the washing is piling up.

    ~Sol

  • Thanks, I'll check next time I come over.

  • What's the difference between the Swiss Family Robinson and a Cement Mixer?

    One mixes cement the other is a family trying to fend pirates off.

  • Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle, he said."

    You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

    He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "These are Carol's."

  • Q: What's brown and sticky?

    A: A stick.

  • Whats the difference between English humor, and toasted bread?

    If the breads too dry you can put butter on it.

  • How do you know if your wife is dead??

    Sex is still exactly the same, but the washing is piling up.

    ~Sol

    Deserves love.

    One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

    The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

    The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

    The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

    ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

    The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

    The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

    The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

    Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

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  • Q: What's brown, and French, and sticky?

    A: A French stick.

  • OMG Deadeye that was soooooooooo bad hahahaha xD

    One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

    His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

  • A neutron enter's a bar and ask's "how much for scotch on rocks?", bartender says "well for you, no charge"

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